i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
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