I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
Randomize
