she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
Nope it's a specific set of cards not like a normal ace, queen king thing....kinda like UNO, but instead of yelling UNO you get shitfaced
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
Randomize
