I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
wake up i wanna do it froggy style
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
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