hi i'm bored and kind of... in a sort of dirty mood
pics
no i'm at a mixer dressed up as the teenage mutant ninja turtles
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
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