turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
Edward fifth and chaser hands
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Randomize
