i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
no i decided against it. savin my coke binge for finals week.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Dont really know what happened near the end, Pockets were filled with skittles though
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
Randomize
