I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
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