My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
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