What did I say to him last night?
Something along the lines of "your not here, I'm going to fuck sam. call me later babe, this won't take long, love you"
all in all not a bad night
Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
ok shes still asleep, should i pee on her and say she did it herself? and by the time you respond to this ill probably have already made the decision
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Randomize
