I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
