It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
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