Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
Randomize
