you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
Randomize
