I feel like I'm in dance class right now
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
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