Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
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