I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
Randomize
