i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
Randomize