She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
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