I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Randomize