Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
u r missing out we r watching a tranny direct traffic in a gstring
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
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