oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
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