Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
I don't think boys are aware how difficult it is to take a picture of your own ass.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
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