mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
they just started talking about wanting to bang stephanie tanner from full house
why does my vagina smell like weed?
omg thats a great idea
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Randomize
