I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
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