If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
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