Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
Randomize
