I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
right now I need to figure out a smart way to get an accurate picture of his dick so I know what in dealing with, right now in flying blind.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
Randomize
