I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
