And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
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