drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
Can you bring me the toilet please
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Randomize
