We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
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