There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
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