New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
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