shes got a really nice body. but her face is eh.
you dont need a face to have sex
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
Ok if you are accepting my apology, please continue to ignore me. If you are not, please fill out the brief survey that follows, to help me improve my people relations: a) your a bitch please leave me alone b)your crazy pls leave me alone c) I never cared ab u please leave me alone. D) all of the above e) all of the above but I wouldn't mind still fucking u. F) who are you again? Your answer will not b shared and will b used in accord. With the law. TY
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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