Sorry, I don't speak sober.
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
Randomize
