I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
hey, when you wake up, search yourself on youtube
my sister already found it, were watching it right now. i give it 2 thumbs up.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
Randomize