I'm gonna have a badass scar
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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