My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
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