So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize
