How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Randomize
