he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
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