I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
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