Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
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