R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
Wedsnesdays are always enlightening. Tonights revealation: One should not smoke from something taller than their person.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Randomize
