He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
Randomize
