we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
It usually only happens when Im really excited. Normally not that fast. You still enjoy it?
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
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