what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Randomize
