WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
My hope for you over spring break is that you can be some disease free girl's random spring break mistake.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Randomize