She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
Why are your pants in the freezer?
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize
