So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
Randomize
