Whore.
I was being facetious
Don't try to hide behind big words.
I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
Drunk is a universal language darling
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
