Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
I can see my step sister's thong. Don't know if I should let myself be turned on or not
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
Randomize
