I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
hot twin vs twin who's good in bed. why do my life choices same way unfair
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize
