i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
So she stayed over last night and slept walked in to my moms room where she used the bathroom and then proceeded to get in bed with my moms naked boyfriend. So yeah, at least now my family got to meet her.
shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
