i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
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